Dating, Infidelity

What I learned from having the “At least I have a man” mentality

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A lot of women have the mentality that having a no-good man is better than having no man at all. Many of our mother’s, grandmother’s, and great-grandmothers instilled in us at a young age that finding a Black man who works hard, takes care of his family, and is not out in the streets doing/selling drugs, is like finding a needle in a haystack. They are extremely hard to come by, and if you should happen to be fortunate enough to find you one, girl you’d better hold on to him tight.

Who cares that he’s out there in the streets chasing any and everything with a vajayjay between her legs; if that man has (1) cared for you enough to marry you and not just shack up, (2) gets up everyday and goes to work so he can take care of you and the children, if you have them, and (3) doesn’t allow his other women to interfere with your marriage, what’s the damn problem. We’re often told, “Girl, leave him alone..he’s just a man being a man, that’s all. He knows what he has at home, and as long as he’s coming home to you every night, stop nagging the man.” Isn’t that what Tina Turner’s mother told her in What’s Love Got To Do With It?

The problem with telling a young girl that, is she grows up with the mentality that all men are going to cheat…no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. What you’re telling her is that she should still settle for a man who can’t or won’t be faithful to her, as long as he’s treating her half-way decent. That’s the mentality I had and settled for many years in my marriage. From the beginning, my husband let me know that he wasn’t done trying to be a player, and that there were always going to be other women in the picture. But by him marrying me, I was supposed to be happy that I was the main chick…the trusty, old faithful woman he knew would be waiting patiently for him at home once he got done doing his dirt. What he was telling me what that he was never going to change, and I could either get with the program and sit quietly on the sidelines, being the good little wife that I’d vowed to be while he disrespected me, humiliated me, and destroyed my already low self-esteem, every chance he got, or I could join the other single, miserable, lonely, pathetic women out there who obviously can’t get a man (as society would have us think is the reason why many women are single)…my choice. And I did that for eight years. Sorry, not sorry, but that just doesn’t work for me anymore.

These days, the ‘at least I have a man’ mentality is as played out as men over thirty sporting cornrows and trying to be a rapper. A’int nobody got time for that! I guess I can see why a lot of older women thought this way. Back in the old days, men were the one’s going out making the money, while the women stayed at home and took care of the babies. Not too many women had jobs outside the home. But this is 2015. More women have jobs than men. We’re CEO’s, starting and successfully running our own businesses…we don’t need a man to depend on. Also, we’re no longer settling for mediocre men anymore. As Tamar Braxton say’s in her song, Pieces:

I don’t want your pieces
Oh no no no no 

If you can’t give me all your love
I don’t want your love

it’s all or nothing these days, fellas. Half-stepping and putting up half-assed attempts to do just enough so we’ll stay in a relationship with you and/or give up the nooky, just won’t cut it. Get it together. Know that women can and are making it just fine without you. If we decide to give you our time or love, you should be the one’s to consider yourselves lucky and treat us like the queens we are, not the other way around.

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