I can remember a while back, I was watching this movie on Lifetime, called The Two Mr. Kissels. The Kissels were brothers, who were both murdered. The younger brother, Robert was murdered by his wife, Nancy in Hong Kong. Anyway, throughout the movie, there were many documentary interviews done with those closest to the men, and I can remember one of the women saying that Nancy was always bragging about the wonderful sex she and Robert had all the time. She said, “I always suspected her of lying, because who really likes having sex with their husband?” I can remember that caused me to giggle, because I’ve often heard that cliché- that married women don’t like sleeping with their husbands. At the time, I was going through my own issues with not wanting to have sex with my husband, as well, so that comment struck a cord with me.
For me, our issues started before we ever walked down the aisle. When we were dating, Wednesdays were our designated date night..when we’d rent movies, and he’d spend the night over, and go to work from my house the next morning. It was kind of an unspoken rule that there was supposed to be some bumping & grinding going on, on Wednesday nights when he stayed over. If, for whatever reason, I didn’t give it up, though, Thursday morning, I would get the cold shoulder. He’d leave with a mumbled goodbye, if that. There was no emotion, no hugs, no kisses, no, “I love you!” However, if I did give up the cookie on Wednesday night, he treated me like a queen come Thursday morning. I was showered with hugs, kisses, “I love you’s!”; “You need money for anything? Here, I got you…” he would be so attentive and loving. I started picking up on the change in attitude- depending on whether or not I gave up sex- as time went on, and I didn’t like what I saw. He acted as if I was obligated to sleep with him. Mind you, this was while all the drama with his exes and baby mama was going on, so there were many nights when those things caused me not to want to be bothered. The fact that he treated me differently and downright cold if he didn’t get sex, caused me to start to resent him over time. There were so many nights when I just didn’t feel like it, for whatever reason, but I would force myself to not only do it, but put on an Academy Award winning performance, as if I really enjoyed it…all so I could keep the peace, and not deal with his attitude the next morning.
Unfortunately, not much changed after we got married. If anything, it got worse. He worked two jobs, one during the day, and the other overnight- he always has, ever since I’ve known him. He was lucky if he averaged three hours of sleep per day. As his wife, I hated seeing him looking so tired all the time, so when he had a day off, I did my best not to bother him, and let him sleep as much as possible. I thought I was doing a good thing. Because he worked overnight’s, he was used to being awake all night long. I wasn’t. So around midnight, no matter how hard I would try to stay awake sometimes and wait for him to wake up, my body would start shutting down, and I’d be snoring on the couch, and eventually go to bed. Meanwhile, he would have slept, and was wide awake, ready to stay up all night after his nap. If I got tired and went to bed without having sex, I was given the same cold shoulder the next morning. The way I saw it, we were married…so what’s the big rush. I figured we had all the time in the world to have sex, so what’s the big deal. Obviously, he didn’t feel that way. This went on for quite a while. I finally called him out on his attitude, and he admitted to me that yes, he did get an attitude if I didn’t sleep with him when he wanted it.
This caused me to develop a sexual aversion to him. I’ve never liked being backed into a corner, or made to feel I had to do something I didn’t want to. It only made me uninterested and resentful of the person for forcing me to do what they wanted. It got to a point where I lost all interest in sex with him, period. Aside from the fact that he acted like a whiny, immature teenage boy, who was turned down by a girl, he just wasn’t sensual, passionate, or romantic… at all. There was nothing ever exiting about it, for me. I would lie there, sometimes frigid, sometimes I’d manage to seem into it, for his sake. All the while, I was just counting down the minutes until it was over. After it was over, I didn’t want to talk about it or even think about it, until I could force myself to endure it again. Because he was my husband, and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, I never told him that I just didn’t like or get any pleasure out of sex with him. I know that most men like to think they are blowing their woman’s mind in bed, and if we do or say anything other than agree with them…that they’ve rocked our entire world’s, we’ve damaged his very fragile male ego, and I wasn’t trying to do that. We got along fine, at first. We could talk, laugh, joke about any and everything. But when it came to sex, I would shut down. I dreaded it, like most people dread getting up for work on Monday morning. It was like a chore- cleaning the bathroom or mopping the floors- I knew I had to do it, but I just didn’t want to. However, the quicker I got it done, the quicker it would be over, and I could go on about my business…that’s the same attitude I began to have about sex with my husband.
It got to a point where, no matter how many times I tried to pretend to like it, even initiating it sometimes, just to please him, I just couldn’t anymore. As years passed, there started to be other problems in the marriage, and I just didn’t have the desire or energy to keep frontin’ …just to satisfy him. When I was single, if I gave you the time of day, and you didn’t do it for me, that was it. There was no call-back…what for? There was no need to waste time. However, because he was my husband, I couldn’t just dismiss him and never talk to him again. But, husband or no husband, this is my body, and I choose who I give it to. And I chose to not have sex at all, since I wasn’t getting anything out of it. Yes, some people will say, “Well, he’ll get it from somewhere else”, and my answer to that was, “Good!” Let whoever she is deal with the mediocre sex, feeling like a whore or a piece of meat…I have had enough.” As I mentioned, I could clearly see that the marriage was all but over anyway, so sex had already pretty much ceased between us…more so since the beginning of this year.
Yes, I tried to find nice ways to tell him that I wasn’t being satisfied. I had come across this article on a Black And Married site, which said everything I’d wanted to say to him. Obviously, he didn’t read it, because nothing changed. In his mind, he wasn’t the one with the problem, I was. He would often say, “I’ve never known a woman who doesn’t like sex, and that there must have been something wrong with me, because I forced myself to abstain from sex.” So many times, I wanted to say, “It’s not that I don’t like sex, I just don’t like sex with you.” I write romance and erotica, and he’s read all of my books. For him to assume that my lack of interest in sex was because of some imbalance within me, which caused me to hate it, was crazy…obviously I liked it enough to write ten books about it. I even Goggled the topic, because I wondered if it was normal to absolutely despise having sex with your husband. There were many articles that came up about the same thing. I didn’t read all of them, but I did realize it wasn’t just me. For whatever reason women may be less than enthused about sleeping with her hubby, mine came down to I just hated being treated like that’s all I was good for. Rather than try to work on the problem, he would give me attitude, which only made things worse. We’re going through a divorce now, and I wish him well. Hopefully he’ll find himself a woman who enjoys being treated more like a sex object, and less like his wife.