Before I started this blog, I had been holding all the heartache, heartbreak, headache, and just overall drama from my 8 year marriage/relationship (4 years dating, 4 years married) with my husband- and pretty much ALL of my past relationships- inside. I’m not a big talker…I don’t like talking about my problems. I never wanted to be subjected to the criticism, judgement, and general statements from people who have never walked a day in my shoes, so they have no idea what I’ve gone through. I consider myself a smart woman, yet I have allowed so many men play me for a fool, and I felt stupid and embarrassed to even admit some of the things I’ve allowed myself to be subjected to. So, I kept it all hidden inside, where only I knew about it.
However, I came to the conclusion that we all go through things. We all have a past, and things we may not want people to know about. By me finally choosing to write (or type) all the hurt that I’ve been holding inside, for so long…it’s therapeutic to me. Something about admitting it to someone else – other than myself- puts things in perspective. Every time I sit down to write a new post, I feel like Iyanla is standing over my shoulder, rubbing my back soothingly, helping me Fix My Life by saying, “That’s it, Beloved…let it all out. Let go of all that hurt and anger you’ve been holding inside for all these years. But, you have to be honest…you have to admit your faults, and by faults, I mean you can’t be the victim. You have to admit that YOU allowed this man to hurt you the way he did, for as long as he did.” Every time I want to feel sorry for myself, she wont let me. I’m being funny, but forreal tho!
I have given my husband power and control over me for almost nine years. I gave him the power and control to keep spitting in my face, and dragging me through the mud, time and time again, with his drama,foolishness, other women, lies, emotional abuse, neglect, and many other things. I took that power and control back when I finally said I wanted out. So, me writing this blog has NOTHING to do with bashing him, or putting him down, and EVERYTHING to do with me healing myself, making myself strong again…so that I never let my self-esteem get so low, that I feel I have no choice but to take whatever degrading, demeaning, and hurtful things are being thrown at me. A man will only do, or treat you, the way you allow him to. If you don’t feel you’re worthy of being treated like a queen, he won’t treat you like one.
I have a long way to go, in terms of healing. But, I took the first step, and that’s finally telling myself that I deserve better than what I was being given…so that’s a start. If you should happen to get a chuckle out of my blog, that’s fine. But my true intention is helping me, and maybe in time, I can help someone else not make the same mistakes I did. Hope you all enjoy your Monday. I’m off, so I definitely will. Until next time…