divorce, Marriage, mixed feelings, separation

Mixed Signals: Pay Attention To The Words He Doesn’t Say


When going through a breakup, separation, or divorce, it’s understandable to have mixed feelings about the relationship coming to an end. When you’ve opened up your heart to someone and allowed them to get to know you (mentally and physically) you’re going to have a few moments where, even if you know it’s for the best to end the relationship, you’ll still wonder what if. What if we can make this work somehow? What if I break up with him, then I realize he really was who I was meant to be with? Again, that’s understandable to have these feelings, especially if the man in your life is doing things that indicate he still wants you. But ladies, beware…sometimes when a man is being uber nice and sweet to you after a breakup, it doesn’t necessarily mean he wants you back. Know the difference between someone who wants you in their life, and someone who’s trying to soothe his guilty conscience for not wanting you in his life. I found myself in this very situation over the last few weeks.

Lately, the soon-to-be ex-husband has been like, super sweet and nice. Suddenly, he’s concerned about my well-being, my car, whether I have food and/or money…he wants to make it clear that he has my back (even though a few weeks ago he told me that when I leave him, that’ll be just fine with him)…all the things he should have been doing BEFORE we got to this point. Now, having given this man nearly 9 years of my life that I can’t get back, even though I know deep down that love isn’t enough to make me stay, and we just don’t need to be together, a small part of me wonders what if he still wants me. I mean, he’s acting like he still wants me. He hasn’t been this nice to me in…forever. I’m a hopeless romantic, and the hopeless romantic part of me wants to believe that I’ve been a good enough woman to him, that he’s suddenly realized this, and want’s to work it out. And while his actions are saying this is exactly what’s happened, he’s yet to verbalize this to me.

I’m a firm believer that when it comes to love, when/if a man truly wants a woman and he realizes that this one woman’s love is worth ten of those skeezers out there in those streets (remember this line from The Wood), he will not hesitate to let her know this. And if he’s done her wrong and really wants her back, he will put his ego & pride aside, and go get his woman, by any means necessary. Whether he has to pull a David Ruffin and “Beg and plead,” if he has to pull a Darius Lovehall and recite you a poem or chase you down the street until he’s out of breath, or even if he has to pull a Lenny Williams and fall to his knees- not caring if it makes him look soft or not- and confess his dying love to you “I love you, baby, with all my heart and soul….Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh..” he will do all of this and then some to get his woman back. He will TELL you this…out of his mouth, as many times as he has to, in order to get you back. And in spite of all his nice gestures, the one thing my husband hasn’t done is SAY to me, “I don’t want to lose you, and I want you in my life.” Those are the words I need to hear from him, and until he says them, I’m inclined to believe that all his nice acts are just a way to ease the guilt he’s carrying around with him for all the b.s he’s took me through. Just to be sure I wasn’t overthinking things (in true Virgo fashion) I had a talk with a male cousin of mine who I knew would give it to me straight, no chaser, and he told me the same thing: “If he wants you, he’ll TELL you; until then, don’t fall for the nice act.”

I was watching Being Mary Jane a few weeks ago, and M.J.’s brother told her, “You’re worth more than just the words “I Love You’.” That one little line spoke volumes to me and women all over the world. Having a man say these words is cool; but are his actions coinciding with what he said? In my case, I’m seeing his actions, but again, he has yet to say he still wants me. Being nice is just that- being nice. You can be nice to the homeless guy on the streets that you walk by everyday…giving him food and/or money; or the lonely guy you work with who nobody else talks to, so you do; or the old man who lives next door to you, and because he has nobody to check in on him from time to time, you do it…that doesn’t mean you want to be with them, you’re just being nice. So ladies, if you find yourself in this situation, pay attention to the words he DOESN’T say…there lies the real truth about his feelings for you.

I hope you all have a great week. TTYL!


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