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An Open Letter To Married Men

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Dear Married Men,

When you recited your marriage vows, you promised to love, honor, cherish your wife, and all that jazz. But there are a few unwritten rules that maybe should be included in the marriage vows that should be common sense, but each day, I’m beginning realize that apparently common sense isn’t all that common. Here are a few additional stipulations that you need to keep in mind when you’re married or going to get married:

Most women aren’t tripping about you having female friends; HOWEVER, those female friends should NEVER come above or before your wife. If your wife asks (or demands) you to stop talking to a woman, she has good reason for doing so. Women can be sneaky and many single women want nothing more than to make another woman miserable simply because she is. One of the many ways they do that is by cheesing all up in a married man’s face, hoping to make his wife mad/jealous and come between a man and his wife. Now, I realize that men are stupid and many of you claim not to realize when a woman is flirting with you or acting inappropriately, which is why your wife’s spidey senses are on ten when you’re around other women. Give your wife the respect she deserves if she asks you to chill on the female friends. Your wife is the only woman you need to worry about pleasing and being besties with. I can’t tell you how many women I had to have confrontation with over my own husband, who seemed to be more concerned about his female friends’ happiness than mine. In the end, it just wasn’t worth it to me anymore. He can have all the female friends he wants now that we’re divorced.

Remember all that sweet, romantic stuff you did when you were trying to woo your wife? You have to keep doing those things in order to keep her. A little goes a long way. I’m not saying you need to shower her with lavish gifts two or three times a week, but don’t stop making her feel special, wanted, and needed. Don’t stop giving her a reason to smile and want to primp her hair and makeup in the mirror just before she sees you. A single rose, a card with a sweet message, or even her favorite perfume can make a big difference, sometimes. Speaking from experience, my ex-husband used to leave me cards on the nightstand or in  my car so I’d see it as soon as I got inside. He’d spray it with his cologne and it would be like he was right there while I was reading it, even if we were in two separate places. I’m sentimental, so I kept every card he gave me…until he stopped giving them to me. He stopped doing all those sweet things for me that kept me reassured that he still loved me. I know now that’s because other women were occupying his time and attention. Don’t assume that just because you have her now that you’re married, that you don’t need to still act as if the two of you are dating. That’s a surefire way to send your marriage down the drain. Keep the romance alive. Even if YOU don’t feel the need to do it anymore or think she’s not appreciating it, she is.

I know that times are hard and in most marriages, both the husband and the wife work to make ends meet. If you have children, the two of you probably rarely ever have any alone time. But when the opportunity presents itself to give your wife the time and attention she wants, give it to her. Don’t make her have to ask you to pay attention to her. Don’t ever be too tired or too busy hanging with your friends to talk to her. Neglecting her will cause you to lose her, take it from me. Sometimes it’s not cheating that causes a woman to walk away from her marriage, it’s neglect. My ex always worked two jobs and I also worked outside the home. Most days, we only saw each other in passing…when one of us was either coming or going to work. So, we already didn’t spend much time together. I understood when he was working or sleeping because he was tired from working, but he did get days off. And it got to a point where he preferred to spend his off days away from home…away from me. Every moment that he wasn’t working or sleeping, he was with his ‘friends.’ I was usually home alone, wondering where he was and why he never spent time with me anymore. Eventually, I told myself that if I’m going to be by myself so much anyway, I might as well be single…and I am now. Nothing or nobody should ever be important enough for you to put your wife on the back burner, at the bottom of the totem pole, or make her feel as if she has to make an appointment and schedule time with her own husband. If you want out of the marriage, be man enough to just tell her that.

You are the man of the house. When you ask a woman to marry you, you are signing up to be the provider, the protector, and the breadwinner. Again, these days, both the husband and the wife works, but technically, paying the bills, taking care of the mortgage, putting food on the table is the man’s job as a husband. If the wife works, it’s an added bonus, but your wife is not your roommate. Never make her feel inadequate if she can’t contribute to the bills as much as you can, especially if you have children. You see, even if a woman doesn’t have a job outside the home, she’s always working. Cooking, taking care of the kids, and cleaning up after the husband and the kids is a never-ending job, in and of itself. Don’t demean and undermine her contributions to the household, no matter how small. You knew it wasn’t going to be easy when you married her. If you feel slighted because you may pay more towards the bills than she does, or if you work more than she does, then marriage is not for you. She is your wife..you should want nothing more than to provide and take care of her, making sure she has whatever she needs, as long as it’s within reason. No, I’m not saying she should lie on the couch eating popcorn and watching reality tv everyday and have her hand stuck out when you bring home the paycheck. But if your wife if genuinely trying to help pay bills, provide for the kids, and take care of home, you need to give her credit for that. Don’t moan and complain about doing the job that you signed up for when you decided to get married. If you simply want someone to help you pay bills, stay single.

Never allow anyone else- male or female- to humiliate or embarrass your wife. Again, you are supposed to be her protector, her confidant, the one person who makes her feel safe. And you definitely shouldn’t contribute to the embarrassment of your wife. I remember one year one of my ex-husband’s whorish buddies was over to our house- as always since my ex was always his alibi when he was out cheating on his wife, but that’s none of my business. Anyway, he was at our house and my husband decided to make fun of me for some reason or another…only I wasn’t laughing. He had completely embarrassed me, and he and his friend had a good, knee-slapping laugh at my expense. My ex often made me feel as if I was somehow inadequate because of the fact that he worked two jobs to my one, so he felt that as the main breadwinner, my work wasn’t as important as his. Mind you, I have two kids and he was like one of the kids, so..yeah. Anyway, I could feel myself starting to tear up because of the things he stood there saying about me, and I eventually left the room so that he wouldn’t see my tears. I didn’t speak to him for three whole days after that. That’s how hurt I was. For ME to be quiet for three days…he had to have really messed up. Regardless of that age old rule that words don’t hurt…they do; especially when they come from someone who’s supposed to love you the most. How would you feel if she decided to talk about your sexual inadequacy or lack of lovemaking skills in front of you and a roomful of people? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Understand that most wives would love to be nothing more than her husband’s lady in the streets, and freak in the sheets. But you need to be giving her a reason to want to be that. Sex needs to be worth her while and enjoyable for BOTH of you. If you’re being selfish in the lovemaking department- issuing out a couple of humps, then promptly rolling over and going to sleep once you’re satisfied- that’s not going to work. A quickie is fine- but not all the time. You need to devote time and attention to your wife- both in and out of the bedroom. Intimacy doesn’t start and stop at the bedroom door. If you’re leaving her home alone often…hanging out with the boys as much as your free time allows while she’s home with the kids, not engaging her in conversation (that’s about anything other than sex) not considering her needs and wants- either inside and outside of the bedroom- don’t expect her to happily be ready to get it on at your command. Even if she lies there and pretends to enjoy it just to keep the peace, trust me when I say, she’s not enjoying it. Anybody can have sex, but maintaining intimacy between a husband and wife is a team effort.

Men often complain about their wives being nags, but if she’s nagging you, it’s because she cares about you and making your marriage last. She wants you to do better, be better, so she may constantly be persistent about certain issues. To you, her frustration may make you feel like she’s constantly whining and/or complaining. But please understand this: Once a woman stops nagging, whining, or complaining, she’s mentally checked out of the marriage, even if she remains with you physically. When she no longer cares, nagging is replaced with silence. That’s what you should really be worried about.She’s silently making moves and arrangements to leave your ass. Wait on it.

These are just a few tips that I experienced personally and are the reason why I’m no longer married. My ex simply didn’t give me the respect that I deserved as his wife. If you want to stay married, don’t stop putting your wife on a pedestal as often as you can. There’s an old saying: If you put in just a little effort to water the grass on your own lawn, it’ll be just as green as the grass on the other side of the fence. The same applies to a marriage. Put in some work and nurture your wife and marriage, and watch it grow into something even more beautiful and special.

 

 

 

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