I just got home from making my almost daily trip to Wally World and even though I would rather get a pap smear than go to Walmart- where I definitely don’t live better or save any money- and wrestle with buggies that are always stuck together, try to maneuver my way through the slow moving people who choose to come to a complete stop in the center of the aisle that I’m trying to walk down and don’t even try to move out of the way, then go through the self-checkouts and listen to the annoying voice of the woman who lives inside the checkout machine as she guides me through scanning my items, I manged to walk out of there with a smile today, and it was because I saw my ex-husband. No, hellll to the nah…I wasn’t smiling because seeing him brought back buried romantic feelings or the sight of him made me sentimental, or anything like that; it was because I saw him and felt absolutely nothing.
As an author and a bookworm, I always make it my business to go over to the book section, where I one day hope to see one of those books on the shelf with my name on it. I was engrossed in looking at all the different titles when I heard someone try to get my attention from behind me. I turned around and there was my ex standing there. He waved at me. I simply gave him a slight wave back before turning my attention back to the books. I didn’t feel anything when I saw him- not anger, happiness, sadness, animosity…nothing at all. He might as well had been just some random guy that I know from way back who just so happened to walk by and speak to me. That’s how I knew that whatever feelings I might have once had for him are completely gone. I still have this one ex (not my ex husband) whom I dated 20 years ago for a few short months, yet to this day, every time I see him, I still feel some type of way- sometimes for days afterwards- wondering what could have been had we stayed together. At the very least, seeing this particular ex causes me to stroll down memory lane and reminisce a little about our relationship. None of that happened when I saw my ex husband, though, and I was with him for almost 9 years.
Some would say, “Wow…you must have never really loved your ex-husband, anyway, if seeing the man that you were once married to makes you feel nothing.” That’s not true- I loved my ex-husband. It’s just that deep down inside, I know that I was never ‘in love’ with him. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, my ex-husband snatched away my opportunity to fall in love with him and go through the lovey-dovey, almost gag worthy honeymoon phase of dating that most couples go through when they first meet…when they’re all googly-eyed and smiling from ear to ear in the first few months, with all of his lies, secrets, cheating, and the constant drama with his ex(es). I never fell in love with the man that I eventually married; instead, I simply got comfortable with our arrangement, until it got to a point where I got tired of pretending to be a happily married woman. Our divorce didn’t cause me to break down or be sad for a long period of time, because I know that we never should have gotten married in the first place. The relationship, the marriage…it was all something that I tried to force to work and fit into place- almost like trying to put a jigsaw puzzle together and trying to force a piece of the puzzle into a spot where it doesn’t belong- when all of the signs and red flags were up all around me that told me I should have walked away from him after just a few months of dating. We were never meant to be together…no matter how hard I tried to force US to fit, it wasn’t going to work. Coming to terms with that fact was hard to do, but very necessary.
Closure-letting go of what once was and accepting what has happened- is necessary for most women after a relationship/marriage ends, because it’s hard trying to move on to something new when we’re not over our pasts. Many of us spend days on end wondering what went wrong, was it our fault, could we or should we have done anything different to make the relationship work, why were we not good enough, pretty enough, or sexy enough for our exes to put forth an effort to work things out with …and it can take months, or sometimes ever years to accept that it’s over. But if I was searching for any type of closure after my divorce, I found it today inside Walmart when I came face to face with the man I was the most intimate with, with the man that I once told all of my deepest secrets, the man I let see the vulnerable side of me that I’ve managed to keep hidden from the rest of the world, because I’m a Virgo and Virgo’s don’t like to show weakness (or any type of emotion really)…and I felt absolutely nothing for him other than a sense of relief that I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that we were never meant to be.