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Online Dating Chronicles: Episode 3

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The more I attempt to get back out on the dating scene, the more depressed I get. Why is it so hard to find a sexy, intelligent, caring, man who isn’t into playing games and who isn’t a serial cheater…or a pervert? They say there’s one special person out there for all of us but…I’m beginning to think “they” are full of it, because I am convinced there is no man out there who will ever convince me that staying single for the rest of my life isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

So, the other day at work, I was telling a coworker that I am so far removed from dating and anything related to dating ever since my divorce last year, that I don’t even have a male friend to just call/text and say, “Wassup?” I haven’t even given a man my number, so when my phone rings, I don’t have the luxury of smiling and blushing as I quickly type a message to whoever the guy is who texted me like the rest of my female coworkers do. No, when my phone rings these days, it’s either a bill/debt collector or one of my kids needing something…that’s it. My coworker said I definitely needed a male friend, even if someone just to chat with. She suggested I go online and maybe find a pen pal to talk to. Since I have no life, I thought, “Hmm…couldn’t hurt.” Well, it doesn’t look like my phone will be ringing anytime soon.

I am not opposed to being down with the swirl. Hey, if a man has all the qualities that I want, I don’t care about his color. So, I signed up for an account on this interracial dating website. *insert dramatic sigh* I have never been so discouraged about my romantic future in my life. I specifically stated on my profile that I am interested in men between the ages of 38-48. Hey, I like older men…but not like, Hugh Hefner old. I’m 38, so I can date a guy who’s 10 years older than me…and that’s pushing it. Apparently, the over 50 year old men who have been hitting me up and flirting with me ignored or didn’t see my preferred age range. And apparently, I’m a hit with old white men because I’ve had about, ten wayyy over the age of 48  years old, white men flirting with me. Umm…reading is fundamental. I DO NOT WANT A MAN OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY GRANDPA! (see gif below to gague my reaction every time I get an email notification that someone is flirting with me and it’s another cosmetically/facially challenged old timer)

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I mean, to each her own. If you’re into dating elderly men, I’m not mad at you. But, I’m still fairly young and I would like a man who’s young enough to keep up with me. And I’m not trying to be rude, but all of the men who are hitting me up are balding and look like they could be the crypt keeper’s brother, if you know what I mean. Look, I know I don’t look like Beyonce my damn self…but I think I’m fairly attractive and I would like a man who I at least wouldn’t mind rolling over and looking at in the morning. Hashtag sorry, not sorry… I’m not Anna Nicole Smith. I can’t and won’t settle for some old, decrepit, J. Howard Marshall type, just because he might break me off a little something in exchange for letting him rub my lady lumps. Nope, nada, helllll to the nawww…I’m not that desperate.

Still, this whole online dating experience has made me so sad because…is this really my life? Have I come to the point where my only options are to either stay single forever or settle for Old Man Jenkins’, who think I’m either desperate and/or lonely enough to say, “What the hell?!” and hook up with one of them? I jokingly made a Facebook post about finding me a sugar daddy a few weeks ago but…I don’t really want a sugar daddy…not unless he looks like this (see pic below) Gramps could get it.

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Now, don’t get me wrong…not all of the men who are interested in me are white. I’ve had a couple of older Black men hit me up. I’m talking, age 50 and above. Umm, no sir…you just missed my preferred age threshold. One guy claims to be from Haiti and repeatedly questioned me about my divorce status even though me profile clearly states that I am divorced…as if he thinks I’m lying. After firmly telling him this, he gave me his number and told me to call him. I don’t think so. A younger guy who’s closer to my age told me that he promptly Googled me online after I accepted his invitation to chat with him. Dude did a background check on me. Seriously?!?! (Let me stop acting like I wouldn’t have Googled him too… if I were remotely interested in him) NEXT!

 

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This is not looking too good for me. I’m already thinking about deleting my profile since clearly I’m wasting my time. Am I being a little picky? Hell yeah! I have spent my entire dating history settling for the wrong men, all in the name of not being alone. I refuse to settle for less than what I want/need/deserve anymore. So in the meantime, my B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) will have to continue keeping me company. Back to the drawing board.

 

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