When Using Sex To Get Love Backfires

couple-sex-pf‘Women use sex to get love, men use love to get sex.’ Unless you’ve been living under a rock or you’re too young to know what this  means, we’ve all heard this phrase. And unfortunately, many of us ladies have thought that just because you rocked a man’s world in the bedroom- even to the point of making him call out your name loud enough for the neighbors to hear- that this meant his next move would be putting a ring on your finger and walking down the aisle, making you his Mrs. However, weeks or months after all that great sex, late-night phone conversations/texts/sexts/Face-timing, instead of putting a ring on it, he goes ghost on you, leaving you walking around your home in a daze, donning a silk bonnet and ratty Betty Boop pj’s while crying and drowning your tears in a pint of Talenti, wondering what the hell happened. Why, when the two of you had so much in common, so much chemistry, your zodiac signs were compatible, did he suddenly disappear on your ass.

You may tell yourself that his disappearing act came totally out of left field…left you blind-sided, but if you keep it real with yourself, you know this is total bullshit.

The answer is clear: You thought that good sex would keep a man who wasn’t ready to be kept and it backfired. Listen, good sex has never prevented a man from cheating, nor has it ever stopped a man from getting bored and moving on to the next woman, who can also blow his mind in the bedroom. And even though you may tell yourself that his disappearing act came totally out of left field…left you blind-sided, if you keep it real with yourself, you know this is total bullshit. That man told you and showed you many times that he wasn’t emotionally available or ready to be in a relationship with you, but women have a way of ignoring the unpleasant qualities about a  man we’re interested in, only focusing on the things we want to see and hear.

Think back to one of those phone conversations you had with him. Was he constantly talking about his ex (es)? When you’re talking to or dating a man and he only wants to talk about his past loves, that’s a good indication that he’s not that into you, boo. Of course, his conversation about his ex will probably go something like: “It’s all her fault we broke up/divorced, she didn’t appreciate me, she cheated on me, I did everything for her…” all to make it seem as if he was the perfect man while his ex fucked things up, but that’s all to hook you, something he obviously achieved. Did your conversation only center around sex, whether the topic was initiated by you or him? If so, that’s a main indication that this was the full extent of your relationship with him, and once he got sex from you, he had no other interest in you or reason to continue talking to you. Sure, you lied to yourself and said, “Well, we had long conversations on the phone, he asked me about my day, my favorite foods, my interests, so he had to be interested in me.” No, sweetheart, this just means he played the game better than most by pretending to be interested in you with your clothes still on.

He told and showed you that he was emotionally distant, insecure, a womanizer, a cheater, a liar..yet, you ignored that part because he licked your vajayjay like the last supper.

Even though it’s easier to tell yourself that his curving your ass to the left came like a thief in the night, you know that there were things this man did and said that left a bad taste in your mouth, but you chose to ignore it. Because he loved to talk about himself and the many women he’s dated, you know that he’s mentioned instances where he seemed to be physically, mentally, emotionally, and/or verbally abusive to his ex(es), yet because your end goal was to not spend another Saturday night watching Lifetime and drinking wine, you ignored the part where he said he hit a woman, or dragged her by her hair into the house, or cheated on her with her best friend, or followed her around, to see if she was cheating on him. He told and showed you that he was emotionally distant, insecure, a womanizer, a cheater, a liar..yet, you ignored that part because he ate your vajayjay like the last supper. giphy (1).gifHe made you laugh, was seemingly interested in every aspect of your life, told you that you were beautiful and/or sexy- compliments that you aren’t used to hearing, so all of his bad qualities became irrelevant.


You loved the thrill of the relationship you had with him. You may have told yourself that you could keep your emotions in check and could have a no strings attached sexual romp with him, but come on, not too many women can give themselves (and their vagina) to a man and not get emotionally attached to him, no matter how much we fool ourselves into thinking we can. And for a man, if you’re dangling casual sex in front of his face, that’s like dangling a bloody steak in front of a hungry lion- he’s going to take it if offered, and once he’s done enjoying it, he’s off to find more. The thing is, when you gave him sex without demanding a real relationship from him, during the “talking phase” you were saying you don’t value yourself, even if you feel like you do. You were saying, “I need/want a man in my life right now and even though I know I should wait to sleep with him, I’m afraid he’ll lose interest in me if I don’t.” You give up the cookie in hopes that he’ll want to get to know more about you, but for most men, you simply handed them the prize without making them earn it. So, when he suddenly stops calling, texting, or answering your calls, you are all in your feelings, wondering what you did to deserve that, posting relationship memes on social media, vowing to never talk to him again for playing you for a fool…all until he decides that he wants another roll in the sack with you again and finally decides to call you. And if you’re not over him and don’t know your worth, you will let him back into your Vicky’s Secrets, repeating a self-harming cycle, showing him how low (non-existent) your self-esteem really is.

black loveMen only do what women allow them to do. They can only hurt you if you allow them to. And each time you accept his apology, go running back for makeup sex until you’re no longer mad at him, he’s going to continue playing you. He’ll never respect you, because you don’t respect yourself. You still think that your looks, body, kindness, intelligence, chemistry, or that precious jewel between your thighs will eventually make him get his act together. But you’re fighting a losing battle…one in which you will never be declared the winner. To you, his constant coming back to you must mean that he’s really into you while to him, you’re a notch on his belt…just another thing he checks off his to-do list. Give a child a treat, even when he knows he’s been a brat, and he’ll take it, enjoy the treat, then go back to behaving like a brat. A man is not going to learn that he can’t disrespect you if you keep rewarding him with treats, without doing the necessary work it takes to earn you, your love, your sex, and your time, period. Stop using sex as a means to keep a guy in check, because you’re only setting yourself up for failure in the long run. Don’t fall for apologies that are only issued once a man realizes that he won’t get the cookie if he doesn’t act right. If he truly valued you, he wouldn’t do anything that would warrant an apology in the first place.

Stop letting loneliness and boredom drive you into the arms of fuckboys and players who, although are more than happy to scratch the sexual itch inside your underwear, aren’t interested in getting to know you beyond that. Trust me, men can sniff out a lonely, sexually frustrated woman like a police canine looking for a fugitive on the run. They are drawn to you, and most of the time, we make it easy for them to find us. You post on Facebook how you’re spending yet another weekend alone, and five minutes later, that messenger notification is going off. They know all the right words to say to get you to allow them to come keep you companycode words for knock boots. And after you’re opened your door (and legs) to them, they suddenly are no longer interested, leaving you even more depressed and vulnerable than you already were. Then, it’s wine and/ice cream to the rescue again, until the next guy- or maybe the same one- shows you some attention again. This will get you absolutely nowhere, ladies. Don’t you want and think you deserve more than to be some weak man’s play toy? If you don’t think so, he won’t either. Have some self-respect and hold out for a man who really wants to get to know you- mind, body, & soul.


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