National Ex Day…

So shady…yet so true

F.Y.I. Happily Ever After Only Happens in Fairytales

**originally posted on my old blog via Blogger in 2015**

http://jlsapphire.blogspot.com/2015/03/fyi-happily-ever-after-only-happens-in.html

Cinderella,

Dressed in yellow, 

went upstairs to kiss her fellow.

Made a mistake,

and kissed a snake,

how many doctors did it take?

I can remember doing this cute little jump rope song on the front porch as a little girl. It was all so innocent back then. If only I knew then, what I know now…

It would be a long time before I’d know anything about snakes (the wrong men) and the many mistakes I’d make when I started dating them.

Fast forward about 35 years…

So, I took my daughter to see the Cinderella movie today. I’ll admit, I would have gone, even if she had said she didn’t want to watch it. Growing up, Cinderella was always my favorite fairytale. Not just because of her rags-to-riches story, but because the underdog, the one everybody underestimated, won the prize (the Prince)and her happiness, in the end. And even though I know better now, that it just doesn’t happen like that in real life, I still like to imagine that there is a such thing as happily ever after…if only just in movies.

As a little girl, I often imagined when I’d meet my Prince- a man who would take one look at me, and fall madly in love with me. In my mind, it would be love at first sight, then we’d run off and get married and live in marital bliss- just like in the the fairytales. Unfortunately, I learned that it just doesn’t happen that way.

Just like that little jump rope song I sang as a kid, I’ve kissed more snakes, or frogs, or douchebags…whatever you wish to call them, than I care to think about. With a bottle of wine (or maybe two) I could literally talk for hours about the many mistakes I’ve made when it comes to the men I’ve dated. I’ve also learned that life is definitely NOT a fairytale. The honeymoon usually ends after a few months, then the magic wears off and you’re faced with the ugly truth.

My daughter was mesmerized with the movie magic and the romance. She gasped in awe when the fairy godmother whipped out her wand and did her magic- transforming Cinderella from an ordinary peasant girl, to a princess; and while I simply smiled at her, because I didn’t want to spoil it for her, I soooo wanted to tell her the truth- that not all men turn out to be Prince’s, and that even if she manages to find a half-decent man, there is no promise of them running off, getting married, and living happily ever after. At age 10, she’d never understand if I had told her that 50% of all marriages, end in divorce…some, before they even reach their five year anniversary. I know, because I’m one of those couples. My husband and I aren’t headed for divorce court (YET) but I can definitely see how it happens. The magic has long since worn off, the romance has faded, and I feel like the only thing I got out of this whole thing was an (adult) child to take care of. Yes, I love him, but I know one thing, if I ever get divorced, I absolutely will NEVER get married again; that’s for damn sure. I will never understand how some people get married two and three times. I even have an aunt who says she’s looking for husband #6. WTH??? My nerves are shot after one. Who knows, maybe the sixth time will be the charm…

I really think some people are in love with the IDEA of being in love and getting married. I get it, when you first meet someone, it’s all goggly eyes, soft kisses, and HOT, passionate sex (sometimes). A lot of women have the notion that getting married will only guarantee them a lifetime supply of all of the things I just mentioned. We plan these beautiful, sometimes completely over-the-top weddings (because let’s face it, a lot of women really only want that wedding that’s she’s always dreamed of having, not necessarily the man) then within a few years, we start getting to know the REAL man we married…and it ain’t always pretty. Those romantic gazes into his eyes, become side-eye’s and eye-rolls, because he’s gotten on your last nerve; the soft kisses start happening less often, and I won’t even get on the sex issue. Okay,yes I will. Sex (in some cases) becomes boring, predictable, and the equivalent of going to the OB/GYN for a pap smear- like, you know you have to do it, but you just don’t like it.

I’ve kissed quite a few snakes in my lifetime, made my mistakes, and I’m still learning. But how do you tell your adolescent daughter, that what she saw on that movie screen will probably never happen in the real world? I honestly hope that she doesn’t experience even half the things that I have, but from listening to my single girlfriends,who are constantly complaining about the lack of men who have even a shred of potential to be a possible mate, it looks like things won’t get any better any time soon. I don’t want to ruin it for her, but as a mother who’s been around the block a few times, I don’t want her to grow up having this notion that love happens like the powers that be at Disney, make it seem. Because that’s a bunch of bull_____!!!!

How many snakes have you messed around and kissed? Are you willing to keep kissing them, hoping that one day, you’ll finally find ‘the one’? Or have you, like many women, said, “F**k this…I’ll be happily single for the rest of my life, because this love b.s., is for the birds.” Now, when I hear women happily talking about she’s getting married, I have to bite my tongue to keep from saying, enjoy the fairytale while it lasts. And I know not ALL marriages end badly or in divorce, but the numbers and statistics don’t lie. One in two marriages will end in divorce, and that’s just cold hard facts. I think people’s tolerance levels aren’t what they used to be. I truly admire older married couples…the one’s who celebrate 50 year wedding anniversaries. Now, that’s a fairytale…to be married for fifty years. Chile, I admire it, but I don’t see that happening. Would be nice if it did, but nowadays, as soon as the thrill is gone, so is the relationship. And if you were staying together based on LUST and not LOVE, as many people are, you’re doomed from the start, because unlike the cliche goes, it takes more than good sex to make a relationship work. Don’t believe the hype. You can be putting it down in the bedroom, good enough to curl his toes, but most men’s eyes still wander..and the rest of his body will soon follow, if he’s not strong enough to resist temptation…and most men aren’t.

If happily ever after is what you’re looking for, I suggest you stock up on Disney movies, or romance novels, because those are the only places where that exists, unfortunately.

*DISCLAIMER* I am not a dream-killer or a man-basher. I know there are a few good men out there (very few) so don’t be discouraged, ladies. I simply call things the way I see them.

Monday Motivation

Here’s a little inspiration to get you through this dull, boring Monday.

Much better

😂😂💯

Since when does being single mean you’re gay?

I can remember this guy trying to flirt with me this one time. He wasn’t my type and he was irritating me more than anything else, but I was trying to hold my tongue and politely ignore him. At some point, I remember him asking me if I had a man, and I said no. the next thing out of his mouth was, “Oh…so you must be gay?” Sigh. Since when does being single and/or not interested in a man, automatically mean you play for the other team? Obviously, it soothed his bruised male ego to ASSume that because I wasn’t taking the bait and falling for his lame ass pick-up lines, that it must mean I like women…as if it isn’t fathomable that I simply didn’t find him interesting or attractive.

You get what you settle for

I was just watching Waiting to Exhale (again) and heard the saddest thing ever. All throughout the movie, Savannah’s (Whitney Houston’s character) mom kept trying to hook her up with Kenneth (the man from the Allstate Insurance commercials) even though he was married. She couldn’t wait to give him Savannah’s new phone number and when Savannah reminded her mother that the man was married, she said, “It doesn’t matter because if he was happy, he wouldn’t have been trying so hard to find her; and to get off of her high-horse and allow that man to love her, because every woman needs a man.” Savannah told her that she should be happy that she doesn’t want to settle for a married man, and her mother brushed her comment off off by saying, ‘He’s a good man who’s just in a bad place.’ WTF?!?! That’s the biggest load of bulls**t I’ve ever heard.

All I could do was shake my head at. What’s even more sad, her mother really believed that, too. This woman would rather have her very successful daughter settle for a cheating, married man, than to be like her and grow up alone. Ladies, it’s this way of thinking that get’s so many women into serious trouble…that brings so many women into contact with sexual predators, evil, controlling, manipulative, and abusive men. The at-least-I-have-a-man syndrome has led many women to hook up with men who are only out to take them for granted. Even if Savannah’s mom had good intentions (not wanting her daughter to grow old alone) telling her to look over the fact that the man is married and just be happy that he’s willing to cheat on his wife to be with her, is setting her up for failure in the long run. Obviously, she’s never heard the phrase: How you get them, is how you’ll lose them. Meaning- what goes around, comes around. The same way that Kenneth was cheating on his wife with Whitney, I mean, Savannah every chance he got, would have been the same way he would have done her, had Savannah not finally come to her senses and realized that he was stringing her along and never had any intentions of leaving his newly pregnant wife…so she called him the scum of the f**king earth and poured a drink on him, then walked away…for good I’m assuming (and hoping)

I really wish women- especially Black women- would stop thinking we have to settle. You get what you settle for. If you settle for a man who finds it hard to be fully committed to you and your relationship/marriage, who you tell yourself he’ll cheat sometimes, but at least he still comes home to you, who looks good on your arm/Facebook page, but you and him both know he can’t and won’t stay single to you to save his life, then that’s what you’re going to get. I was this way for a long time. Eventually, what I settled for became the very thing I hated. Know your worth. Don’t let anybody- family or whoever- tell you that you have to settle for a man who only gives you half, and not all of him-mind, body, & soul.Don’t cheat yourself out of finding a man who can and will give you all that you want, need, and deserve, and then some.

It’s not you..it’s him

This one statement gave me so much life. I have never been hard to please. I didn’t grow up with a silver spoon in my mouth, expecting for a man to give me diamonds, riches and expensive gifts. No, all I ever wanted was for my man to love me, to give me his time and attention, to make me feel wanted, needed..special. To be ‘the one’ for him. I was never too demanding in my marriage. I didn’t need diamond necklaces, nor did I constantly have my hand out- demanding money for hair, nails, and clothes. I’ve been a single mom…I know how to struggle and go without sometimes and focus on what’s important. You’ll never find name brand clothing labels in my closet or Louboutin’s on my feet…that’s money wasted.

What I did ask for was honesty, respect, and to be treated the way you would want to be treated. Obviously, this was asking for too much, because every man that I’ve ever allowed into my life has failed to give me these simple things. Now I realize that I wasn’t asking for too much..it’s them who couldn’t deliver. The fault is not mine.

Is Facebook the reality show curse for married couples not on tv?

Like many people, reality shows are my guilty pleasure. Real Housewives of Atlanta, Basketball Wives, Flavor Of Love, I Love New York…I’m here for all of them. I used to really love watching Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey’s show, Newlywed’s, when they were still together. Then, I looked up one day and it was announced that they were getting a divorce. Huh? But they looked and acted so in love on their show. Then, I found another couple to fall in love with- Porsha Williams and Kordell Stewart when they came onto the Atlanta Housewives. Although I immediately saw straight through Kordell and saw him for the control freak he is, I still liked them as a couple. Before I could get used to them on the show, they were divorced.

It’s often been said that reality tv is the place where marriages go to die, that no matter how much in love a couple seems, there’s always a storm brewing off-camera that viewers aren’t aware of until it’s brought to light, by way of a divorce announcement. So, that got me to thinking, is Facebook the equivalent to reality tv shows for normal, everyday couples, who’s lives and marriages aren’t put on display for the entire world to see?

I’ll admit, I am a bit of a Facebook junkie. I’m a homebody, I have no man, and aside from my two kids- who are both at the age where they don’t have time for their mom anymore- I often have nobody to entertain me. So, I spend a lot of time on my phone, scrolling down my Facebook timeline. One of the things I see often is that Facebook is the leading cause for many marriages ending in divorce. Huffington Post posted an article that said: One in seven people said they’d considered divorce because of their spouses’ questionable activity on Facebook, Skype, Snapchat, Twitter or What’sApp, a recent survey of 2,000 married Brits found.

So, I sat and I thought about the responses to this survey. Couples are separating and divorcing because of their spouses ‘activity.’ Meaning, the spouse in question is engaging in conversations that are inappropriate, privately messaging other people, and posting and/or liking photos that offends their spouse and makes them feel jealous and insecure. All of this requires ACTION. In order for a spouse to offend, they must make the decision to log into their account and engage other people, whether innocently or not so innocently. So, Facebook isn’t causing the problems in your marriage, the actions of the offending spouse are. The same goes for reality tv couples. The allure of instant fame and recognition that some of these people didn’t get before, the money, and/or the thought of becoming an even bigger tv star is what causes our favorite reality couples to break up. I’ve seen for myself how most of the men really don’t seem all too interested in having cameras thrust in their faces everyday, but the wife is too busy soaking up all the attention she’s getting from everybody else (fans) to realize that her husband is miserable…until it’s too late.

Look at it this way. People often say guns are dangerous, but that’s not true. A loaded handgun lying on a table is no more dangerous to you than an infant child. It takes a person to pick up that gun, load it, and pull the trigger in order for it to become dangerous and do damage. The same is true of relationships, on or off social media. One person in the relationship has to log onto these sites and engage other people inappropriately in order for their relationship to be threatened. Nobody on Facebook can cause problems in your marriage unless YOU allow them to…by constantly talking (flirting) with people other than your spouse; by going to Facebook every time you have a problem and posting about it, rather than privately talking with your spouse to work it out.

And I will be the first person to say that I was guilty of some of these things as well. Some of us just really need to vent sometimes, so we will unconsciously post about what we’re going through on Facebook, not necessarily to get responses from other people, but just to…vent. We all do it- whether it’s about work, our kids, neighbors, or whatever. The problem is, there’s always someone out there just watching and waiting for you to express that you’re unhappy…because misery loves company. If your spouse is the reason for your unhappiness at that particular moment, it’s easy to get caught up inappropriate conversation. One minute, someone is saying, “Oh, sorry you’re having a bad day,” the next minute, they’ve sent you a private inbox message, which opens the doors to flirting and eventually cheating and sharing things that should only be shared with your spouse. Again, all of this only happens because one person in the relationship chooses to allow it to happen.

So, Facebook is not the reason for so many marriages ending in divorce, the people using Facebook to cheat and engage in behavior they know they shouldn’t, are. The easy way to solve this problem is to stop putting your private business out there for everybody to read it. Stop giving them ammunition to destroy the bond you have worked to build with your spouse. These are things I’ve learned from my marriage and divorce. Keep some things sacred, between you and your mate, whether it’s good or bad. Facebook can be fun and it’s what you make it, but everybody over-shares these days, married or not. Whatever is happening in our lives, the first thing we want to do is post it on Facebook. But look at it this way- I’ve often heard women say they wouldn’t trust a female (family or not) around their man when she’s not home, and you should never tell your girlfriends everything that goes on between you and your man, because one day you’ll look up, and she’s moved in on your territory..wanting to walk in your shoes and see for herself. The same rule should apply to Facebook, where you have not only friends and family watching everything you post, but strangers and enemies as well. You’d be surprised at who watches your posts, even if they never click like or comment on a single one of them.

Ladies, don’t invite drama into your marriage by taking all of your dirty laundry to social media to air it out. Some of the main people who are constantly co-signing everything you say, are the same one’s hitting up your spouse in his inbox. And don’t think that because you’ve put him on a leash and made him have a joint page with you- so you can see everything he does- that you’re ensuring he won’t cheat..people make numerous pages and block certain people from them all the time. He could have another page and you’d never even know it. You’re not with him 24/7, not matter what measures you go to. If he wants to cheat, he’s going to do it, on or off Facebook. Also, Facebook is not the only social media site out there. It seems that every time I look up, there’s a new app (Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, Tango) that allows people to interact with the world. At the end of the day, there’s no absolute way to guarantee your spouse won’t cheat. People were having affairs long before social media was invented. However, don’t help him out the door by oversharing your business on Facebook. You didn’t marry your followers, so stop giving them so much access into your private life. But don’t blame Facebook for ending your marriage if you’re letting it all hang out, for everybody to see. And that’s all I have to say about that.