Just Say No to Netflix & Chill

Image courtesy of Youtube

**Originally published on my other blog, Random Thoughts of a Virgo**

Okay, let me just say, I’m a 37 year old woman, and Netflix & Chill, is nothing more than ‘making it a Blockbuster night’ for the younger generation. We were Netflixing & Chilling before Netflix was even thought about; only instead of all the high definition ways we have of watching movies today, we had VHS tapes and/or dvd’s. And yes, there was the possibility that at some point while watching the movie, a little hanky panky was going on, and it may have even led to getting it on afterwards. Hey, if you’re grown and consenting, that’s your business. However, hanging out at the crib, watching movies, and maybe hooking up afterwards, was NOT a substitute for a real date, nor should it be now.

In my day, we didn’t have cell phones, laptops, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter…the list goes on and on. We actually TALKED to the person we were interested in, whether in person or sneaking on the phone after your mama went to sleep. We went out to movies, bowling, dancing…whatever. Men actually courted  (click the link if you need to know what that means) women. He came to your house, GOT OUT OF THE CAR, walked to your door, told you that you looked nice while walking you back to the car, opened the car door for you, took you on the date, asked you about your likes, dislikes, and interests BEFORE he really tried to get to KNOW you. These are things that happen on a real date. And, young ladies of this generation, please understand that Netflix & Chill is not a date.

 

I know that we live in a sex-crazed world, where everything is all about wanting to hook up, be his side-chick, booty-call, bae, trap queen, or whatever. Some of our young ladies have no real female role models to look up to, so they’re looking at these Love & Hip Hop reality stars for relationship advice on how to get, keep, or be loyal to a man. I just read yesterday that Toya (Lil Wayne’s ex) has given Memphitz (her womanizer husband) 8 hall passes per year to go out and cheat on her. What in the entire hell???? I wish I would give my husband permission to go out and cheat on me, possibly catch an STD from one of those 8 (and probably more) women, and bring it back to me. This is the type of woman some of you young girls are taking relationship advice from? Then, you have these wannabe rappers and simple-minded young men, who walk around hollering, “She’s my trap queen,” which means she’s the baddest type of female who’s 100% loyal and non-petty, but to me are code words for, “she’s someone that I can tell the sky is green, when it’s really blue, and she’ll believe it, simply because I said it, but she’s so desperate (loyal) to be with me, she’ll believe anything I tell her.”  These same types of guys are convincing you that allowing him to come lay up at your place, Netflixing & Chilling, rather than getting his ass up and taking you out on a real date, is how you can prove your loyalty to him. Because if you settle for less- $7.99 for a Netflix subscription and maybe $20.00 for a pizza and drinks- as opposed to him spending around $100.00 on dinner and a movie (at a real restaurant and movie theater) he’ll know you’re not after his money…and that proves you’re a down ass bish.

 

Start making these so-called men earn the right to get your goodies, young women. Trust me, that same b.s. he’s feeding you about being ‘down’ for him, he’s feeding a couple of other women the same thing. Know that you deserve a man who feels that you are worth doing more than hanging out at your place, watching movies, and having sex. Stop settling for that. It’s bad enough that men want a woman to settle for this, but I actually saw a post on Facebook where women were defending the whole Netflix & Chill thing, talking about throw in some X-Box and it’s cool with her. And if you’re already in a committed relationship with a man, and if he sees you as more than just a ‘friend with benefits’, there’s nothing wrong with this. But if he’s someone you’re trying to get to know, and hopefully date, you can tell yourself all day long that it won’t bother you if he doesn’t think enough of you to actually court you and get to know you (outside of the bedroom) that it’s okay with you; that you don’t need him to spend ‘X’ amount of money on you for a date, and that you’re cool with being his booty call; but take some advice from me, the same thing you settle for in a relationship, will eventually become the very things you hate. You might be cool with a guy only seeing you as his Netflix & Chill bae, for now; but as time goes on, unless you really don’t value yourself at all, you will want more than to just be know as his cuddy buddy. You’ll want him to actually show that he loves- or even cares- about you…YOU, not what’s between your thighs, and he won’t be able to do it, because you don’t mean anything to him; you’re just the chick he hooks up with to do the horizontal polka from time to time. Then, you’ll be upset that you’ve given this man your body so many times, and he couldn’t care less about you.

 

Regardless of how cool people try to tell you it is to sleep with a man when he’s not offering you anything in return, other than to be known as his bae, his trap queen, or whatever, it’s not cool, nor is it cute. Know your worth, because if you don’t, he won’t either. And you deserve more than to just be given the title, Netflix & Chill bae, a*k*a* cuddy buddy, a*k*a* booty call.

The Date Debate

I’m one of those women who hates dating. I think that’s why I stayed with my ex-husband for as long as I did..I was comfortable with him. I spent nearly 9 years with him, so I became complacent. The dating scene was rough when I was in my twenties, and from what I hear from single girlfriends, it’s only gotten worse. But more than I hate dating, I don’t like being alone. Yes, I’ve been single before and I definitely enjoy my own space sometimes. I enjoy ‘me time’; but I also like having a man in my life. My kids are 17 and 11…meaning between school, friends, cell phone, video games, my son has girlfriends (ugh), they don’t have time for mom anymore. There are sure to be many lonely days and nights in my near future, and I’ve entertained the thought of getting back out into the dating world. I’m not looking for anything serious, but it would be nice to have a male friend.

At the same time, dating requires work that I’ve gotten comfortable not having to do as much over the years. You know, shaving your legs (and other areas) more than once every other month. Putting on make-up (I always end up looking like a clown, so I just say eff it), wearing something other than mom jeans, leggings, and baggy t-shirts (because my kids always need money for something and I rarely buy clothes for myself). Just the thought of it makes me tired. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t walk around looking like a slob, it’s just that when you’re married and/or with someone for so long, you get used to each other. You see each other in some of the worst possible situations (sick, on the toilet, when you wake up and you look nothing like the person you looked like when you went to bed, morning breath, snoring…loudly) so how you dress isn’t really a big deal.

I thought about online dating…I don’t have to leave the house to do that. I created a profile on Steve Harvey’s dating site delightful.com, more as a joke than anything. After five minutes of scrolling past profiles of men with names like ‘bigdadddy69’ and ‘killamike’, I quickly decided against that. I ain’t hardly trying to end up as the next story on Dates From Hell, or Web Of Lies, or Disappeared on the I.D. Channel. Seriously, the more I watch that channel, the more I’m convinced that men are totally psycho. Like, for real. I have dated a few psychos in my lifetime, and luckily I lived to tell the tales. So, online dating is definitely out of the question. I’m a homebody, and other than work, chauffeuring my son to and from practices and games, and the dreadful trips I make to Walmart, I don’t really go out. I gave up clubbing before I turned 30. So where exactly am I supposed to meet men? Church? I don’t think so…there are more devils in there than out on the streets. I can pray and talk to The Lord from the comfort of my own home.

Maybe I’ll just hold off on getting back on the dating scene. I don’t trust anybody and I’ve had two close calls with men who turned out to be wolves in sheep’s clothing. I’m not trying to hit that third strike and end up on an episode of Fatal Attraction. I like living. When I look at it that way, being single doesn’t sound like a bad idea.

Vibrators, Dildos, and things (Pt. 1)

T.G.I.F. y’all. So, I’ve been celibate since July 4, 2015 (there was no sex between my ex-husband and I for quite a while before we divorced in November 2015.) Maybe that’s even what contributed to it (shrugs). We were like roommates who happened to be married to each other, but there was no type of connection between us, in or out of the bedroom, so I wasn’t into giving up my goodies to him either.

Anyhoo, having not had any type of sex action in six months (and counting) lately I’ve been getting those urges. However, I’m not going to go out and screw some random man. I’m 37 years old, and I’m getting too old to play booty call games again. I mean, I’m not interested in getting into another relationship any time in the near future, but I don’t want meaningless sex with meaningless guys. Dare I say, I’m growing up and unlike when I was in my twenties, I think sex is much more enjoyable when it’s with someone I have an emotional connection with, as well as physical. However, those urges do hit me so I did the next best thing- I went to an adult toy store to find something to take the edge off.

So, I’m in Cindie’s, and I’m walking and looking…for what, I have no idea. I’ve gone to Cindie’s many times before, but usually I’m buying incense or games, and occasionally, those warming massage lotions. Rarely have I ever ventured off inside that ‘other’ room…the room that has all the really fun stuff. So, this time I walk in and I bypass the massage lotions rack, and I enter the dildo room. Everywhere I turned, there were rabbits, massagers, dildos- big ones, medium size ones. I had no idea which one to get, but I did want something small and discreet…something I can quickly hide under my pillow should one of my kids happen to pop up in my room while I’m…you know. So, I’m looking around at all the different toys. First of all, why are those things sooooo expensive? Sheesh!  Some of those rabbits were as much as $100.00. Seriously? Do you know how many books I can 1-click on my Kindle with that much money? No way was I going to spend that much, even if I’d had that much to spend. I needed something in the under $20.00 range.

So, I headed over to the bullet and mini-vibrator wall…that’s more my price range. Now, I have to decide which one of the over thirty or so different ones I should get. Don’t they all do the same thing? While I was looking around, there were these two men in there too. I assumed maybe they were looking at something for their wives or girlfriends, until one of them said, “Hey, you think mom would use something like this?” Say what? People buy sex toys for their mom’s? I mean, I’m not judging, I just didn’t know that happened. I love my mama, but I don’t think I’ll ever love her enough to purchase and give her a rabbit vibrator.  I’m still trying to come to terms with the fact that she’s reading the erotic romance novels I write. I mean, obviously our mom’s have sex…or else we wouldn’t be here. I just don’t want to think about her doing it (no pun intended).

Anyway, so I bought me a bullet. A few days ago, I was in my room writing a book, and I was writing this erotic sex scene, and I started to get a little aroused. (I guess that’s a good thing…if I don’t get turned on by my own words, I can’t expect readers to.) I wanted to test out my bullet anyway, so I got it and turned it on and placed it between my thighs then I sat back down and continued writing. The bullet definitely did the trick. It felt like I was sitting on top of the washing machine during the spin cycle. All of a sudden, the ex-husband walks in the room. Although the bullet was small, I think I’ll be taking another trip to Cindie’s, because it’s quite loud, which I found out that day. Even though it was discreetly tucked in between my thighs, he could still hear the vibrating noise it makes. I continued typing, like nothing was going on, but from the corner of my eye I could see him looking around like he was trying to figure out where the vibrating noise was coming from. I was trying to keep my face as straight as possible, hoping he wouldn’t ask me what that noise was.

So, I was busted using my toy, not by my kids, but by my ex-husband. Just one more reason why I have got to hurry up and find a place to live…ASAP. I can’t have him walking in the room while I’m trying to get my freak on with myself. Awkward!

 

 

 

 

All I Want Is My Name..

They say never say never…but I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever get married again. The phrase, ‘it’s so easy to get into a marriage, yet so hard to get out of one’, couldn’t be more true. It’s bad enough I’m still living with the ex-husband, but in an attempt to move on with my life in some capacity, I decided to go back to using my maiden name. My driver’s license expired back in September, but I just got around to renewing them last week (yeah I know). Anyway, after nearly failing to successfully read the row of blurry numbers during the eye test (my vision isn’t as perfect as I thought) I told the revenue clerk that I would like my new license to be put back in my maiden name.

She asked me if my maiden name had been granted to me during the divorce. HUH? She explained that the judge would have had to awarded me my name back in the divorce decree, which I didn’t have with me. So, I had to get out of line and walk down to the court clerks office to get a copy of the divorce decree. I got it and went back to the revenue office. The clerk looks over the decree and says, “It doesn’t say here that your maiden name was awarded.” I’m still confused. I always thought that once you’re officially divorced, everything goes back to the way it was, as far as names are concerned. “So what does that mean?” I ask. “It means, unless the judge put that as a stipulation in the decree, I can’t put your license in your maiden name.”

Ain’t that about a bitch!? Apparently, you have to ask for your maiden name back during the divorce. I so did not want to have to continue signing my last name as Thomas. Remember on What’s Love Got To Do With It, when Ike & Tina were going through the divorce, and Tina was like, ‘I don’t want anything from him..all I want is my name.’ That’s how I felt at that moment. So, I was like, “Well, how do I go about getting my maiden name back?” To be told that I had to file a court fee ($165.00), hire an attorney, and go back to court to change my last name, was not the answer I wanted to hear. I’m a single mom to a 17 and 11 year old..I don’t have $165.00 lying around, and that’s just to file the court fee. I’m sure the attorney will expect to be paid for whatever I would be hiring him/her to do. We didn’t even hire attorney’s to get the divorce. I think we both just wanted it to be over, and neither of us wanted anything from each other…other than what we walked into the marriage with. There was no arguing over who would keep the house or whatever. Our landlord hasn’t even attempted to fix a single thing since we moved into this house in 2014, so I always knew I wanted to move. I had my own bank account, he has his…so it was like a clean slate…except for this name thing.

Life…it’s so freaking unfair sometimes. Anybody got $165.00 I can borrow?

 

New Year, Same living arrangements.

I know…it seems like I’ve abandoned my blog. That’s not the case, though. I’ve just been really busy with the holidays, kids, work, just everyday bullshit. I was so not in the Christmas spirit this year. I won’t say I was Ms. Scrooge; however, I just wasn’t really feeling it, for some reason. Normally, I’m that weird lady who loves to decorate my home according to whatever holiday it is (Halloween, Easter, Christmas) even though it seems to embarrass my kids. I did put up a few Halloween decorations and hand out candy to trick-or-treaters, but when Christmas came around, I couldn’t be bothered to drag the 6-foot fake tree out of the storage room, put it together, and put decorations on it. I had no intentions of putting up a tree at all, until my daughter was like, “So, you’re really not gonna put the Christmas tree up, mama?” Hadn’t planned on it, but since she mentioned it, I took out the little 4 foot tree, threw a few decorations on it, and called it a day. However, I was not in the mood to wrap gifts, so I kept them hidden in the trunk of my car until it was time to give the kids the gifts. That’s all the kids were concerned about anyway, so I didn’t feel too bad about not putting presents under the mini tree (shrugs)

Anyway, I’m glad that’s over so things can get back to normal. I haven’t been writing on this blog, but I have another one, in addition to writing my books, so I’ve been productive in that sense. Now, if I could just find me a new place to live and get out of this house with the ex-husband, I’d be fine. We never really went through a separation period. There was an argument on September 18-ish, which led to me telling him that I was sick of his shit and to file the divorce papers, which led to me not speaking to him for two weeks straight. After several weeks of giving him the silent treatment, I eventually realized that I was going to have to talk to him as long as we lived in the same house. So, we started communicating a little bit, but we were still going through with plans to divorce. Neither of us could afford to up and move out, and with the holidays coming up, we just stayed put.

Now, though, it’s awkward, and quite frankly, annoying as hell to still be living in the same house as the man I officially earned my freedom from as of November 18, 2015. I don’t hate him, but I don’t particularly like him, either. I lost what respect I had for him months ago, and I’m just getting plum sick of looking at him everyday. I’m working on getting an apartment for me and the kids, but until then,I’m still stuck here…with HIM. UGH! I am so ready to be in my own space. Again, I have to talk to him, because we still live together, but I limit my conversation to as little words as possible.

Apparently though, he’s under the impression that we’re friends or something. Umm, hell to the no, we’re not. I don’t need him to call or text me his whereabouts, like he’s still doing, nor am I going to tell him mine. What I do now is my business. I don’t owe his ass any explanation. I don’t need him to call and check on me while he’s at work. Like, really? Now he wants to play Mr. Nice Guy? Then, he even bought me perfume for Christmas- Nicki Minaj perfume and my favorite Bath & Body Works, to be exact. And to think I didn’t buy him anything…talk about awkward. I wasn’t even going to accept his gift. I mean, we’re not married anymore, and not obligated to buy each other presents. Also, I didn’t want him to think that because I accepted his gift,  I would be obligated to give him something in return, if you know what I mean…and that’s exactly what I told him. He claimed that wasn’t his intentions….to get something in return, that he just wanted to be nice. Just like he offered to still help me out at my new place (whatever that means) whenever I finally do move out, all out of the goodness of his heart. Mmm hmm. Men always want something in return…it’ll also make me be forever indebted to him if I keep accepting favors from him. **cold shivers travel through my body as I think back to a past relationship with a guy who insisted on ‘helping me out’ after our relationship ended, but it was really a way for him to stalk me and show up at my place unannounced** Been there, done that, not doing that ish again.

So yeah, this is my current awkward  situation. He’s lying in bed in the bedroom as I’m sitting at my desk typing. Something has gotta change…and soon. As a matter of fact, I’m signing off so I can go apartment hunting. Pray for me. Later!