Month: May 2016

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I wear many hats…

jlsapphire

 

 

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Feeling Animosity For Your Ex After The Divorce?

jlsapphire

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I don’t know where I was or what I was doing back when Drop Dead Diva was still airing on Lifetime, but replacing cable t.v. with Hulu has allowed me to watch shows I somehow missed when they were still on. I’m currently bing-watching this show after I stumbled across it a few days ago. In case you’ve somehow missed it- like me- it’s a cute little show about a perfect size two, somewhat shallow, and definitely clueless fashion model (Deb) who dies in a car accident and her soul is re-incarnated in the body of a plus-size woman (Jane) who had just died after taking a bullet for her boss. Aside from being an attorney, Jane doesn’t have much of a social life. The woman had an oil painting of her and her cat in her living room. Yeah, I thought my life was pathetic. Anyway, each week Jane (armed with her intelligence and Deb’s sassiness, which has taken over her size 16 body) works her magic in the courtroom, fighting battles and winning cases for people who have been wronged by exes, bosses, and frienenemies.

One particular episode really spoke to me, though. This couple was divorcing and during the marriage the husband had given his wife one of his kidney’s to save her life. Since they were divorcing, he actually wanted his kidney back. #Petty #TriflingAsHell Really, who does that? Anyway, as the episode went on, the truth came out about why the husband was being such a jerk- he still loved his wife and was upset that she wanted to move on. That got me to thinking about divorce and how husbands and wives who once loved each other to death, suddenly want to do any and everything they can to hurt each other during the divorce. When one party isn’t ready or willing to let go and move on, they feel slighted, unwanted, and betrayed, and those feelings lead them to act out in the worst way. The husband on Drop Dead Diva wasn’t thinking about that kidney…he only wanted to make his wife suffer for wanting out. It’s this kind of animosity that lingers in your soul for weeks, months, and years after a relationship ends, making you extremely bitter, and that’s not a good look. Yes, it hurts when a relationship or marriage ends- especially if it’s unexpected- but trying to punish the other person for leaving you isn’t going to make you feel any better. It all goes back to the quote: Holding grudges only hurts YOU in the end.

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Why give anybody that kind of power and control over your life? Life is short enough as it is, but spending all of my precious moments trying to make a person miserable for not loving me is not how I want to spend what time I have left here on this earth. I always thought that after my ex-husband and I divorced, it would take a loonnnggg time before I was able to even force myself to speak to him again, after the way things ended. But you know what? I know deep in my heart that I was a good wife- not a perfect wife, but a good one. I really tried to make things work, even when it was immediately obvious to me when I met him that our relationship was going to be filled with unnecessary drama. And I stuck around and dealt with that drama for nine long years. Nine years that I can’t get back. But my conscious is clear. At the end of the day, I can sleep well knowing that I tried my best. Do I hate him? No. There were many important lessons that my marriage taught me about life and people in general; so no, there is no hatred or animosity in my heart for my ex. As a matter of fact, we actually seem to get along better now that the marriage is over. He’s still in my son’s life, which means I still have to see him, and each time he drops by, it gets easier for me to see him without rolling my eyes or saying something mean-spirited and spiteful. It took a minute for me to get to this point, I’ll admit; but I told myself that I’m not about to live my life, controlled by anger. I don’t have time for that, and you shouldn’t either.

By the end of the episode, the husband actually admitted that he was only requesting his wife to return his kidney because she had been a great wife and he still loved her, and it was hard to let her go. I’m not saying you have to be besties with your ex, because I definitely know that every relationship/marriage is different. Sometimes, things were so bad between you that you can’t fathom even thinking good thoughts about your ex. And that’s okay, just don’t let the anger that you feel for them consume you. Find a way to forgive them- even if you never tell them you forgive them- and then move on with your life. You will feel so much better when you do.

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Divorce Party Song List

jlsapphire

Divorce parties have really become a huge trend. Women are no longer moping around, thinking our lives are over, simply because our marriage didn’t last. I’m one of these women, and I am planning a little get-together to celebrate me finally getting out of my unhappy marriage. I don’t hate my ex…far from it. I wish him all the best in life, but that chapter of my life is over. We have parties to celebrate when we’re getting married, so why not have one to celebrate getting…un-married? So, these are a few songs I’ll definitely be adding to the list.

1.Not Gone Cry- Mary J. Blige (You can’t even think about ending a relationship without at least one Mary J. song)

2.Irreplaceable- Beyonce (You must not know ’bout me…)

3.Tyrone- Erykah Badu (I think you’d better call Tyrone…and tell him come on, help you get your SHIT…YES Erykah!!!!)

4.Bust Your Windows- Jazmine Sullivan (Hey, it be like that sometimes.)

5.He Wasn’t Man Enough- Toni Braxton (Enough said)

6.Blame It On Me- Chrisette Michele (I’ll take the blame…as long as it’s over)

7.Before He Cheats- Carrie Underwood (Because men need to be reminded that we can and will get a little crazy and eff up stuff sometimes)

8.Down To My Last Teardrop- Tanya Tucker (Okay, I went all the way back country…but my grandpa was a truck driver and loved country music, and I still remember him listening to this song…so much so that I used to walk around singing it all the time)

9.Ghettout & Foolin’ Around- Changing Faces (Back in the 90’s I really didn’t understand…but I get it now)

10. Hit ‘Em Up Style- Blu Cantrell 

11. Me, Myself, And I- Beyonce

12.Forget (F*ck You)- Ceelo Green

13.Hello, Love- T.Rone (My sentiments, exactly..)

14.I Will Survive- Gloria Gaynor (A classic song that must be on every woman’s breakup song list)

15.When A Woman’s Heart- Sparkle (You took that trick to Tiffany’s…)

16.It Must Have Been Love- Roxette (In case you start to get sentimental for a moment)

17.Side Effects & Shake It Off – Mariah Carey

18.Caught Out There- Kelis (I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!)

19.Exhale (Shoop, Shoop) ) Whitney Houston (Waiting to Exhale..)

20. Ladies Night- Angie Martinez, Lil Kim, Da Brat, Left Eye (Because this is a party, dammit..and we’re not going to sit around singing sad love songs)

 

 

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I’ll take coochie cobwebs over an STD anyday..

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It’s another Friday night, and I’m home….bored out of my mind. My daughter has taken control of the tv, so I’m doing my usual-scrolling down my Facebook timeline as a source of entertainment. So, I came across a question that a well-known, bestselling author asked her followers: “Men, do you find a woman appealing if she tells you that she’s celibate?” I, myself, have been celibate since July of 2015, so I really wanted to know the answer to this question (not that the answers to her question would change my decision to remain celibate). I clicked on the comments to find out what men had to say. The third or fourth comment down came from an obviously very immature guy, who probably doesn’t have much luck with the ladies (in or outside of the bedroom) anyway. His response to the question was: “Red flag..she’s probably sick, crazy, and probably has coochie cobwebs.” I rolled my eyes so hard, I’m surprised they didn’t get stuck. Seriously? So let me get this straight- a woman who respects herself enough to NOT go around allowing random men access to her vajayjay, all willy nilly, is a red flag? I wouldn’t have bothered to waste my time responding to his ignorance if what he said wasn’t so…ignorant.

woman_on_top_sexListen, I haven’t had sex in a minute (10 months to be exact) and while I could probably benefit from some…extracurricular activity, I’m not about to have sex with just any old man, just for the purpose of having sex. My response to the ignorant guy who made that shallow (as he preferred to be called after one woman called him narrow-minded) comment: ‘I’d rather have ‘coochie cobwebs’ than to have H.I.V., A.I.D.S., or any other S.T.D.’ It’s just not that serious to me. I work with a few twenty-something year old women, and they’re always talking about their random sexual escapades with random men. When I say, I haven’t had sex in almost a year, I’m usually met with what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-you looks. A couple of them have even tried to convince me that I should call up my ex-husband and let him come over and ‘hit it’…for old times sake. Ummm, that’s so NOT going to happen. Sex was actually one of the main reasons why our marriage didn’t work out. We had very different opinions on this subject. Also, because of his past infidelities, I didn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. If I have to stay wondering if my man is cheating…giving him the side-eye every time he turned around…it was clear we just didn’t need to be together. I don’t just want sex from a man, I want a commitment. I want to feel a mental and emotional connection with the man I give myself to, not just a physical one…and I didn’t have either of these connections with my ex. I don’t need or want sex that bad that I’ll allow myself and my body to be used by a man who doesn’t view me as important enough to make an actual commitment to me.

Ladies, I know that there is all this pressure out there to have sex. The world is so sex-crazed, it’s almost scary. I know it’s hard being the oddball out, when everybody else and their mama is ‘doing it.’ But, stand firm in your decision and your convictions. If you’ve made the choice to be celibate, you made that choice for a reason, and you shouldn’t feel bad for making a decision about your body, your health, or your well-being. Too many people are jumping in and out of the sack with people they know absolutely nothing about and/or have no real connection with. To some people, that may be fun and cool, but it’s just not to me. I will never be sorry or feel bad for wanting to respect myself and my body, and if a man can’t understand and respect that, I will gladly chunk him the deuces ✌️ 👋 Me and my dusty box will be just fine, thank you, cobwebs and all.